I wrote a post on reasons that men think that women don’t enjoy sex, which helped many male readers understand how their own experiences make them believe something that isn’t true. This companion post is designed to help women understand their own biases, and what in their own past and behavior makes them believe that the vast majority of men are “bad” or “selfish” lovers.
1. You do not know anything about your body, so you can’t teach a man what to do to make you feel good. If you have never masturbated to completion, or have never achieved orgasm without a vibrator, then you do not likely know what makes you feel aroused or what type of touch you need to become aroused. Often, women raised in sex negative households or who are raised religious were taught not to masturbate, which means that they have never achieved an orgasm before being with a partner. If they are one of the 75% of women who doesn’t orgasm from intercourse without other stimulation, and they have no idea what other stimulation feels good, then they will not be able to achieve orgasm with a partner. Often, women blame this on their partner especially if they know very little about sex themselves.
2. You have very limited experience before your husband. You were taught that sex is bad, and that only “slutty” girls are sexual. You think that it is bad to have a high “body count,” so you don’t have many, or any, partners before marriage. This means that you are basing everything you think about men’s abilities in bed on your husband. Men who marry low experience women usually have very limited experience themselves… outside of watching porn, which teaches many incorrect ideas about how to please a woman. This “blind leading the blind” scenario is only successful if both partners are open and adventurous about learning how to please each other. But, by definition, most women who haven’t had any experience do not feel very open and adventurous about sex. Therefore, when early sexual experiences are unfulfilling with their husbands, these women conclude that sex itself is just uncomfortable or pointless.
3. Your parents were in a sexless marriage. As discussed here, when kids do not witness any physical affection or flirting between their parents, they have no template for this behavior in their own marriages later on. If there is conflict, tension or coldness, that is even worse. Most people I see with sexless marriages saw one between their own parents, or at least one partner did. If your parents showed no physical affection or never shut the door to their bedroom, it is hard to imagine that things are different for anyone. Some kids see a counterexample in extended family or family friends, but, more often, like attracts like, so all the couples in the child’s orbit act similarly. Understanding the impact of your family of origin on your current views and behaviors around sex can be instrumental in changing how you operate, and therapy can help you with this.
4. Your first serious boyfriend was selfish in bed. Young men have no idea how to please women, which makes sense because they have never been with a woman before. There is no teenage boy that is an artful lover right out of the gate, but young women are trained to think about men as more experienced, and therefore fail to understand that their partner is a young inexperienced person as well. People imprint on their earliest relationships like ducklings imprint on their mothers, so if your first boyfriend(s) when you were young didn’t know hot to give you an orgasm or thought you were having one just from penetration (which many guys think if they watch porn), you likely believe that all older guys would act the same. Yet, this isn’t true, as the majority of men value their partner’s pleasure even more than their own, and when men learn from other women what makes them feel good, or even just understand that most women need foreplay to enjoy sex, they bring that knowledge forward into subsequent relationships. Thinking more in depth about what you learned from your first sexual experiences can be very eye opening, and can alert you to biases that you have held for far too long.
5. You experienced sexual trauma. When you are a survivor of sexual abuse, it can be difficult to understand that there exist people of either gender who truly enjoy sex and find it to be fun and intimate. It seems like a source of shame and negativity to you, so you only engage in it quickly and without much foreplay or closeness. You may shut down longer sessions, or anything where you start to feel turned on, because you associate arousal with shame. You may even steer clear of certain actions, like kissing, if they first happened within the context of abuse. Therapy can be transformative for individuals who suffered early sexual abuse, and can change your entire view on what sex is and what it can be within a loving relationship.
6. You have a “fixed” mindset about sex, not a “growth” mindset. (Fun fact: I was a research assistant at Columbia for some of Dweck’s work on this.) Many women think that their sexual experience is unchangeable; it is purely something they receive, provided to them by their male partner. The idea that sex needs to be reciprocal and interactive is often a surprise to my female clients who know very little about sex. Anything can be improved upon with practice and effort, and sex is no different! I discuss some aspects of the practical side of sex in my blog and podcast, like here and here, but working with a sex therapist, a sex positive therapist (like me), or a sex coach can be transformative as well.
If any of these points resonated with you, don’t worry! There are many women in the same boat who have transformed their viewpoints around sex, and their sex life itself. Working through your biases and negative cognitions around sex can lead to a totally different self concept as a sexual being, and happier and more intimate relationships. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, We All Deserve To Be In A Relationship That Makes Us Feel Good!
1. You do not know anything about your body, so you can’t teach a man what to do to make you feel good. If you have never masturbated to completion, or have never achieved orgasm without a vibrator, then you do not likely know what makes you feel aroused or what type of touch you need to become aroused. Often, women raised in sex negative households or who are raised religious were taught not to masturbate, which means that they have never achieved an orgasm before being with a partner. If they are one of the 75% of women who doesn’t orgasm from intercourse without other stimulation, and they have no idea what other stimulation feels good, then they will not be able to achieve orgasm with a partner. Often, women blame this on their partner especially if they know very little about sex themselves.
2. You have very limited experience before your husband. You were taught that sex is bad, and that only “slutty” girls are sexual. You think that it is bad to have a high “body count,” so you don’t have many, or any, partners before marriage. This means that you are basing everything you think about men’s abilities in bed on your husband. Men who marry low experience women usually have very limited experience themselves… outside of watching porn, which teaches many incorrect ideas about how to please a woman. This “blind leading the blind” scenario is only successful if both partners are open and adventurous about learning how to please each other. But, by definition, most women who haven’t had any experience do not feel very open and adventurous about sex. Therefore, when early sexual experiences are unfulfilling with their husbands, these women conclude that sex itself is just uncomfortable or pointless.
3. Your parents were in a sexless marriage. As discussed here, when kids do not witness any physical affection or flirting between their parents, they have no template for this behavior in their own marriages later on. If there is conflict, tension or coldness, that is even worse. Most people I see with sexless marriages saw one between their own parents, or at least one partner did. If your parents showed no physical affection or never shut the door to their bedroom, it is hard to imagine that things are different for anyone. Some kids see a counterexample in extended family or family friends, but, more often, like attracts like, so all the couples in the child’s orbit act similarly. Understanding the impact of your family of origin on your current views and behaviors around sex can be instrumental in changing how you operate, and therapy can help you with this.
4. Your first serious boyfriend was selfish in bed. Young men have no idea how to please women, which makes sense because they have never been with a woman before. There is no teenage boy that is an artful lover right out of the gate, but young women are trained to think about men as more experienced, and therefore fail to understand that their partner is a young inexperienced person as well. People imprint on their earliest relationships like ducklings imprint on their mothers, so if your first boyfriend(s) when you were young didn’t know hot to give you an orgasm or thought you were having one just from penetration (which many guys think if they watch porn), you likely believe that all older guys would act the same. Yet, this isn’t true, as the majority of men value their partner’s pleasure even more than their own, and when men learn from other women what makes them feel good, or even just understand that most women need foreplay to enjoy sex, they bring that knowledge forward into subsequent relationships. Thinking more in depth about what you learned from your first sexual experiences can be very eye opening, and can alert you to biases that you have held for far too long.
5. You experienced sexual trauma. When you are a survivor of sexual abuse, it can be difficult to understand that there exist people of either gender who truly enjoy sex and find it to be fun and intimate. It seems like a source of shame and negativity to you, so you only engage in it quickly and without much foreplay or closeness. You may shut down longer sessions, or anything where you start to feel turned on, because you associate arousal with shame. You may even steer clear of certain actions, like kissing, if they first happened within the context of abuse. Therapy can be transformative for individuals who suffered early sexual abuse, and can change your entire view on what sex is and what it can be within a loving relationship.
6. You have a “fixed” mindset about sex, not a “growth” mindset. (Fun fact: I was a research assistant at Columbia for some of Dweck’s work on this.) Many women think that their sexual experience is unchangeable; it is purely something they receive, provided to them by their male partner. The idea that sex needs to be reciprocal and interactive is often a surprise to my female clients who know very little about sex. Anything can be improved upon with practice and effort, and sex is no different! I discuss some aspects of the practical side of sex in my blog and podcast, like here and here, but working with a sex therapist, a sex positive therapist (like me), or a sex coach can be transformative as well.
If any of these points resonated with you, don’t worry! There are many women in the same boat who have transformed their viewpoints around sex, and their sex life itself. Working through your biases and negative cognitions around sex can lead to a totally different self concept as a sexual being, and happier and more intimate relationships. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, We All Deserve To Be In A Relationship That Makes Us Feel Good!