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[Hoca]

There is an idea that everything is subjective, and while that may be true in some areas, sex isn’t really one of them. With rare exception, there are some things that are generally considered to be unappealing and unattractive in bed. Read this post to make sure that you’re not doing any of these things!

1. 1. Just laying there. When women just lay there silently without moving while intercourse happens, this can be called acting like a “starfish.” (Picture a starfish for why.) Nobody likes to be partnered with someone who doesn’t engage or give/receive feedback. This can make a man feel like he is having sex with you against your will, which no healthy man finds to be erotic (unless it is a consensual “scene” involving pretend “force”).
   2. Not reciprocating. I’ve seen couples where the man refuses to go down on the woman even though she does it to him, and (more) of the inverse. Unless your partner enjoys going down on you to the point that they don’t care if you reciprocate or not, then returning the favor makes you a good partner. Sex is part of life, and in any interpersonal relationship, reciprocation is a basic tenet of good relationships.
   3. Refusing to take feedback. I discuss here how to get genuine performance feedback from your wife, and the main way is not whining, complaining, or acting defensive when she tries to teach you something. (Like this guy.) If your partner tells you what they like, and you keep doing whatever you were doing before they gave you feedback, then you are pretty obviously bad in bed. Also, it is highly likely that your defensiveness is sabotaging your relationship in more global ways.
   4. Bad hygiene. Women are particularly sensitive to smell, and a man brushing his teeth before an encounter can change sex from terrible to wonderful. Showering at least once a day and brushing teeth twice a day is baseline for having “good” hygiene.
   5. Closedmindedness. If you ever make fun of your partner’s need for touch or fantasies, then this is you. People who are closedminded do not like adventure or play, and are threatened by new things. Here’s a male example and here’s a female example. It is one thing to be more inhibited after the “drunk” new relationship energy/honeymoon stage, as discussed here. But if you refuse to think about going outside the box in any way, have a specific way that sex has to go (often not teaching your partner how to please you but sticking to a vibrator) and refuse anything else,refuse to stop watching porn to see if your sex life improves without it, or refuse to schedule sex, then you were likely raised to be very sex negative and closedminded around sex, which sabotages closeness with your partner.
   6. Refusing to learn about sex/your body. As discussed here, there is a difference between “low libido” and “just selfish.” If you and your partner struggle in the bedroom, and your libido is an issue, but you refuse to read books on how to work on sex within marriage (e.g., this one), try new things, or even try different times of day, and blame your low libido only on your partner, that’s imbalanced and makes you pretty “bad in bed.” Also, again, using the vibrator every single time limits your partner’s ability to learn how to please you without it, and if you refuse this idea completely, it can shut down transformative exploration and closeness.
   7. Refusing non-intercourse touch. Many people who are low libido or sex-negative refuse kissing (although there are many other reasons for this; read this), and never have given or wanted to receive a massage. While people with a “sexual” erotic blueprint certainly do prefer sex to anything else, this cannot be the only item on the agenda if you want to have a good sex life, particularly as you age. Often, people who refuse any non-intercourse touch, whether they are male or female, are very conflicted internally about sex and were raised to be very negative about it, so they want to get it over as quickly as possible.

If any of these points describe you, think deeply about how your attitude and behaviors around intimacy may be hurting your marriage overall. Living life with constrictions, restrictions, and anxiety is difficult in all domains, particularly within an intimate relationship. If you want to see how your relationship might transform for the better if you were “better in bed,” therapy or sex coaching can help. Remember, sex is not really about sex, and closedmindedness in this domain is associated with closedmindedness overall. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, If You Got 99 Problems But This Ain’t One, Proceed To This Post!