Welcome to yeywe | Welcome My Forum

[Hoca]

There are many reasons that women are uncomfortable with emotional closeness that have to do with their own background and family history, and many reasons for low sex drive that have nothing to do with who a woman is married to at all, as discussed here. However, there are also many things that husbands are doing that make their wives less likely to feel close to them. This is the purely emotional equivalent of this post about fixable reasons your wife won’t have sex with you! This post is particularly applicable for men who can be classified as avoidant attachment, and you can listen to a whole episode on how avoidant attachment manifests in husbands here.

1. You just aren’t very nice. You believe theories on the internet that tell you that women don’t like “nice guys,” which is completely wrong for healthy women, as discussed here. Instead of being kind and empathic, you are sarcastic and snarky. You tend to be sarcastic and rude instead of loving, or act defensive rather than open to feedback. All of these traits will be huge turnoffs to any woman with healthy self-esteem, or any woman who grows more healthy and confident over time.
2. You are never home. Especially when a woman has young kids, she feels very vulnerable and alone when you are not around much. If you focus on your hobbies and work instead of her and the kids, she will grow first upset with you, and eventually detached and likely to leave when the kids grow up, as she will remember their childhood as one long empathic rupture.
3. You are addicted to porn/alcohol/gaming/anything else. It is extremely difficult to live with an addict, primarily because they always have a top priority that isn’t you. Their focus on obtaining their substance makes it very hard for them to engage in a healthy and balanced way with family, and to focus on the needs of others. Porn addiction also makes it impossible for men to have a good sex life with their wives; either they turn down their wives’ advances in favor of porn, or they try to bring porn tricks into the bedroom and end up acting aggressive and coercive. (Read about other ways that porn impacts marriage here.)
4. You are not an involved dad, or you are mean to the kids. I am the first to say that men interact with their kids differently than women, and this is okay. However, this is no excuse for yelling or being overly harsh/punitive. Women love men that are good caretakers; it is biological and evolutionary to want a man who can take care of you and your offspring. If you are a jerk to the kids, it is likely because you were treated this way by your own parents. Read this book to delve deeper into this.
5. You do not protect her. You are always verbally “throwing her under the bus” by complaining about her to friends/family instead of having her back, like this. You openly side with the kids against her. You do not prioritize her health, sleep, or wellbeing. Read this for how you can protect your wife, and think deeply about how it does or doesn’t apply to you.

If this post resonates with you, don’t give up! Many couples can learn different ways of understanding and empathizing with one another that increase closeness, connection, and mutual respect. Individual therapy can help you understand why you’re acting in ways that are unkind or selfish. Spoiler alert: this is generally learned from your upbringing. And remember, your kids are watching your relationship, and if you aren’t treating your wife kindly, your kids are much likelier to get into relationships with people who treat them poorly… or who they treat poorly! Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Counseling Can Help!